Welcome to Steve & Sue's Partee Paradise!
Dear Steve and Sue:
We are pleased to offer you this lifetime membership to our little slice of paradise, Heaven on Earth, a vibrant community just 40 miles away from Anywhere Actually Interesting that offers perks like free online daily fitness classes to avoid, lavish peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and awesome daily cocktail hours just when you’re ready to jump out the nearest window. Can you handle a crazy theme party or two, with funny hats rescued from the dog's mouth and copious amounts of booze but no friends to drink it with? Ready to have all of eternity to finally catch up on all that mundane lawn mowing, leaf raking, fence building, and laundry? Plus, you just can’t beat the weather: rain, rain, and more rain, at a clammy 39 degrees, every ever-living Jesus-loving day. Here, together with our sister community, Hell on Earth, we’ve got you covered! Just don’t forget your face mask.
Some of the hottest eternity communities these days are strictly for those aged 55 and up, say real estate agents and homebuilders. Just as the vast group of Americans known as baby boomers forever changed pop culture, business, politics—well, just about everything—all of us Other-Generationers are all inexorably transforming the idea of group living.
Today’s shared communities range dramatically in size, configuration, and price of entry. But here's what they share: an increasingly fatalistic attitude, an emphasis on feeling guilty about sedentary living but doing very little about it, a complete and utter disregard for the home gym equipment and yoga props that lie in corners in every room, and a pronounced unwillingness to go quietly into this new era of homeschooling. Unlike the previous 55-plus Boomer Generation, today’s confined Gen-Exers and Millenials exhibit a return to old-fashioned values. They do indeed seem well-equipped to acknowledge that it doesn’t %^&&$ matter how much they care about politics; the bad guys still win, so they’re eager to settle into rocking chairs for sleepy "golden years," in which they expect to spend their measly social security checks on three meals a day on dog food from a can.
|The other Steve & Sue's in Hyannis. |
Ice cream and mini-golf.
I want it.
For residents of Heaven on Earth Northeast, an ever-expanding gated community centered in America’s Hometown, every day is Sunday. There's complimentary wiffle ball, plenty of muddy puddles, and no shortage of “HAD-TO-HAVE-IT” plastic toys you and the kids can ignore together. There are dogs to drag you around and leaves to rake for those wishing a more active lifestyle. Locals can join the online six-pack-of-the-day clubs, "I’ll-get-to-it-maybe-never" discussion groups, and even girlfriend-venting-Zoom-calls for those trying to avoid just about everyone in their own well-appointed living unit. Those with dramatic flair can perform in online musical duets with friends and learn how to Irish step dance via Zoom or FaceTime; more introverted types can craft suddenly-critical pieces in the woodworking shop.
And with the spa (AKA bathroom closet lavishly stocked with all makeup and bath products purchased since 1998), the outdoor obstacle course of forgotten dog toys, and two full stories of nearly nine 8x8 rooms—6 of which have closable doors!—and tons of mostly-working Crayola markers and unbroken crayons, happy members of Heaven on Earth have no desire to leave. Demand is so hot at this exclusive community that realtors estimate there are currently no empty homes available in the entire community of 15,000+ households.
"If you live in Heaven on Earth and you’re bored, it's your own fault," one happy resident says.