"Dog" Spelled Backward is "Suffering"
Remember Marley and Me? That lovely movie about how a dog changed Jennifer Aniston and Owen Whathisname's life? So cute. When they make a movie about me and my dog, it will be called Plague: Suffering Toby In the Time of Coronavirus; Or A Whole Life With Dogs. I'M SORRY!!! I know it's torture to read about people and their dogs, which is why I promised back in December that I WOULD. NOT. spend the next fourteen years writing about how full this furry buddy has made my life. I'll keep good on that promise; I'm sure I'll tire of the topic after five years.
I will stop! That is, as soon as they write the movie about me and my dog. It will be about female archetypes, the complicated nature of love (pet love, in particular), and god, which is dog spelled backwards. Lucky you, the casting call has already been posted. We're looking for someone with a perfect sense of comedy and a haircut so good it's almost archetypical. So far, we have the following auditions.
Early Sue: Dorothy Hamill. Such a role model! Female athlete, clean cut smile, owner of Brandy, nicest shepherd ever, never swears, fuss-free hair that leads to being mistaken as a boy for the next, oh, twelve years. This was actually on my wall:
Post-Gender-Neutrality-Sue, Owner of Scuffy, a Maltese with dreadlocks: For this, we consider Jennifer, 1990s haircut sensation. This cut was timed perfectly for when I said, "Enough of this mistaken gender sh#t! I'm growing it out!" This cut did not work for everyone:
Young professional Sue, no dog; only an orange cat named Johnson that ran away. For this, we look to Sweet Meg, for we loved every one of her haircuts ever. What happened to her lips? I don't ever want to watch a dog movie that she's in.
Boston Beer Drinking Sue, owner of Cody, a cranky Cairn: For this, Goldie! Hello! It was probably just the jacket, or possibly proximity to Steve Martin. Also, Plymouth and Brockton in the background! I wrote my first book on that bus. But I don't see a dog movie with her and Steve Martin. It would be too sweet.
Home-Owner, owner of Roxy, a weird little black dog with an underbite: Emma! Of course. But not this one. I'm not an Austen type, and dogs were only used for hunting then. And my Steve will not accept an Englishman playing his character.
Today, Toby: Emma again. The angry writer! Perfect. But not this haircut. Too much maintenance.
Pre-Dog Walk Sue, this morning, more Emma. This is when dog barks incessantly wanting to go for his morning walk. Humidity makes my hair frizzy.
During-Dog-Walk-Sue, 4th of July morning, still Emma. Happily walking dog along waterfront of America's Hometown, Plymouth, Mass., contemplating the nature of patriotism and wondering if 400 years of history has really come to this. Wildly famous. No comment needed.
Post-Dog Walk Sue When Dog Is Still Barking, Now For No Apparent Reason, after being walked, watered, fed, and given toys to destroy. I've got it! Glen Close as Cruella DeVille. Fabulous.
Please don't worry. Love is complicated.