Quarantine Tips for Teens: Signs that Life Is Unfair and It's Your Parents' Fault

The highly trained experts at TEEN FAIRNESS HOTLINE
are waiting for your call. They'll get to it. Right after this selfie.
Being stuck in isolation with your parents, especially when you're a teen, is not only challenging but also a sign of Armageddon. At times like these, you have to trust your instincts. If you are beginning to sense that life may be unfair, you are probably right, particularly if you are between the ages of 13 and 13.  However, before seeking the counsel of highly educated, experienced, and trained teenage life-experts on Instagram (you can learn a lot about how to address life's greatest challenges by liking and commenting on your friend's pucker-faced selfies), it is helpful to first know the facts. Take this short quiz to determine whether your life is truly unfair. If you answer yes to one or more questions below, then SnapChat your favorite celebrity for crafting tips immediately or make Tik Tok videos by lip syncing to "Come Water Me" by Lizzo.

Life is probably unfair if:

1. They ask you not once, but twelve times in six days, to pick up the things off your bedroom floor. You'll get to it. Geeeeez!!!

2. They actually call your stuff "crap," not "things." Can you NOT? 

3. They ask you not to put trash into the laundry basket. Like why does it even matter? We're in a pandemic, Mom. Who's going to see?

4. They asked you to also empty the trash cans in the bathroom and their bedroom while you're at it. I can't even. You are SO...

5. By the way, that's the trash in THEIR bedroom. Seriously.

6. They continually remind you of all the things you have that they did not have at your age. Did I ask? 

7. They attempt to isolate you from the outside world by repeatedly using threatening language such as "I will take your phone away if you...", "I will take your phone away if you do not...", "Keep that up and I'll take your phone away..." Says every parent ever.

8. They make you pick up your own flip flops from the yard. I was in the middle of SnapChatting the next-door neighbor. You are so annoying.

9. They yell at you if you ask them to go downstairs and get the vacuum, meanwhile they ask you to do all the other small boring jobs like "Put out the dishes for dinner," "Go get the milk," and "Take in these glasses to the kitchen." Sorry but I kinda thought that's what parents are actually supposed to do. I didn't ASK you to have me.

10. They remind you at least twice a half hour that they work all day to keep this roof over your head and pay for new Vans, skinny jeans, hooded sweatshirts, Hydro-Flasks, Hydro-Flask decals, and Netflix, Disney Plus, and Amazon Prime subscriptions, plus your phone, and that there's a thousand other things they'd rather be doing than going to work all day, every day. Duh. Here's your medal, Mom.

YOUNG CITIZENS OF QUARANTINE NATION: THERE IS HELP. If you answered yes to any one of these questions, call the TEEN FAIRNESS HOTLINE at 1-800-SUCK-IT-UP. And then for God's sake, pick up your room.