Quarantine Tips for Teachers: How YOU Can Help Prevent the Reply-All Apocalypse

An Open Letter to All Quarantined School Teachers Ever: 

If you see an email that is written to all of the colleagues at your school or department, and especially if the number of colleagues in that group is 40 or more, PLEASE BE SURE TO HIT "REPLY-ALL." 

We can stop this Armageddon now. We can do it, together. 
Every teacher ever is eager to get every teacher's input and reply to every piece of school news, as well as read the very first comment that comes to mind the second you get the email, especially if it involves telling the principal how funny he is. (He is funny, and it's important that all of your colleagues know that you think so.) Other teachers at home are waiting for your reply because they are not currently roaming the halls of their Paradise Home School wringing their hands with anxiety at the outset of Armageddon while also breaking up student/teacher brawls (the other teacher in the house, of course) and directing wayward students back to their home school classrooms, where the students actually are DEEPLY engaged in continuing their education during this confusing time because they love school more than anything else in the world. More, even, than Minecraft, Instagram and TikTok. 

Reply-all is especially important if your reply includes critical information that will enlighten your colleagues and bring the conversation to a higher level. This includes key phrases like "Ok!" "Got it!" and the thumbs-up emoji.

While teachers are advised to avoid Reply-All for nonessential replies, the following reply-all phrases shall remain approved during the governor's stay-at-home orders.  Use Reply-All only if your reply-all includes: 
  • A suggestion of an alternate and highly complex plan that will also take the efforts of multiple quarantined people to email about, then possibly coordinate and execute if they can get away from their computers long enough to actually do it.
  • A suggestion that is vague so that it will require just about everyone else on the thread to reply-all with "Huh?" "How can we do that?" and "Who's going to take the lead on this brilliant but highly complicated idea?"
  • Any phrase that will be made better with the use of multiple exclamation points. These things include: "Too funny!!!!!!!" "Lol!!!!", "K!!!!, and "Hahahaha!!!!!!" 
  • Any question that will require subsequent, very long emails with detailed instructions, which may or may not be written simultaneously by four to twelve different people and sent at the same time, because they all really like you and they are teachers and so they want to help. (Note: These replies will all come in right after the asker has thought through their question and replied-all with, "Never mind. Just figured it out!!!!!)
  • Any video of your kid at home calmly doing the thing we're using 543,673 emails to brainstorm.
  • Captioned memes of Emma Thompson as Professor Sybill Trelawney of Harry Potter because you think it looks like you on a bad hair day. **Advice: Only you and like two other people you work with find that funny. Fortunately, they are technophobes and hit Reply and only reached you, not the whole group, with their BAHAHAHAHAHAH! And maybe that's why you like them so much.
PLEASE NOTE: So far, Reply-All has been so effective that sources say that classified personnel in several response agencies have discussed bringing back the 150-person conference table at the end of this crisis. Meanwhile, the governor is considering banning the use of exclamation points altogether if their reckless overuse persists during this stay-at-home order. 

In the meantime, teachers should stay informed. The following books from Amazon may be of help.